The End

I don't know if this is every one's experience, but for some reason I've always been able to view the last moments of my life with more clarity than any other time period.

The trauma... perhaps. It's all crystal clear. I swipe my card and walk into the room. Walk up to the machine, put my card in, 7-3-6-9-5, "WOULD YOU LIKE A RECEIPT WITH THIS TRANSACTION?" No.

For some reason, it's very clear to me that I felt the cold before I felt the barrel of a gun against the back of my head. It was a strange feeling, foreign to me, a completely new experience. I was dead cold, as though my body was trying to tell me something bad was going to happen. Completely useless information considering it came about half a second before the gun did.

A hand reached around me, its fingers pressing the button for maximum withdrawal. As the phrase "INSUFFICIENT FUNDS" appeared on the screen I felt the cold again. But this time it passed quickly and took with it all my worries. It was only a split second, but it felt like an eternity. It seemed strange at the time, but I've since learned that it's an almost universal experience. You can't move on without first accepting your fate, and that's what happened to me in that paradoxically brief yet timeless moment.

When I saw my own blood roll over the reflection of my face on the screen, I didn't even flinch. Everything was so perfect and surreal. I'd never been trapped in a moment like that before. No regrets, no thoughts of dreams unfulfilled, no flashing of my life before my eyes, all I could think was how my blood's red was several shades darker than I'd expected it to be. I knew that once I closed my eyes it was all over, but for some reason, that was okay. And then I did, and it was.

Just Like Stretching

Being a little bit lazy, but I'm about to go to the gym. Right now, I'm watching The Beach, which is an incredible movie if you haven't seen it. It makes me think about how good an actor Leonardo DiCaprio is. Because I never really appreciated him as an actor until I saw Blood Diamond.

Blood Diamond is also an incredible movie. The way Leo changes his dialect throughout the movie is incredible. I haven't been as happy with a movie as I was with this one since I saw Pan's Labyrinth. To put things in perspective: most people loved The Departed, another movie Leo was in. The Departed was good, Blood Diamond is better.

Although I don't particularly care to be shot at or have an arm chopped off (see the movie), one thing about Blood Diamond is that it appealed to my want to see the world. Many people want to visit Europe, which is one place I want to visit as well, but what makes me different is my desire to see the rest of the world. I want to visit Europe, Asia, Africa, South America, even the Middle East.

The other day I was talking about potential careers. I'm still holding out hope for contract killer. I've established a promising lead in my mercenary training. I could be a war journalist, which would give the the opportunity to travel, although I understand there's the possibility of some danger involved... I laugh in the face of danger. I could teach English to the Japanese in Japan.

As it turns out, there's hope for me.

Hurrah!

Because I'm Bored

I'm sitting in the library (not getting much work done as usual) looking out a window. What do I see? It's snowing. A lot. It's April 13. Why is it snowing? A lot.

Oh yeah, I go to school at SUNY Cortland, located in lovely upstate New York. Days like today force me to really look forward to my impending move down south. I'll be in Tampa in t-minus 6 weeks... ish.

When I think about the fact that I'm moving, I feel excited, and a little bit scared. I'm not scared of excessive sunburn or alligators, or anything literal really. Well, I guess I am kind of afraid of alligators. But mostly I'm afraid I'll fail miserably. I guess I probably won't, and even if I do, it'll be nice and warm. I could stay here and fail miserably, and it'd probably be really cold and miserable.

The whole "getting a real job" idea is daunting. If you have any suggestions for what I should be, leave a comment. I'm pretty much open to anything, legal or illegal. I'm assuming that I'll have a bachelors degree in English, and I'm pretty sure my associates degree is in journalism. I suppose this means that I should be a writer, but that sounds like a much less interesting career than say, oh i don't know, contract killer.

On that note, if anyone wants to teach me how to shoot a gun really well or has general knowledge of mercenary tactics and is willing to share that knowledge, leave a message with contact info.

Hmmm... writer, teacher, contract killer. It seems the world is my oyster.

For old times sake: peace out to my niggas pookie-bear and ray-ray.

A Highly Random Post (with a picture!)

I think I'll be posting a story to this blog some time soon. But if I were you (and I'm not), I wouldn't trust me because I'm highly unreliable.

Right now, I'm bored... and I wanted to show you all a picture of me acting stupid. I don't really know where the picture is gonna actually show up because I'm not too good at these fancy computer thingeys, but I'm pretty sure it'll be somewhere in the post.

How would you like to feel the wrath of Flash after he's stolen Thor's helmet and big thumper-type thingey? That's what I thought. Biatch!

If I do post a story, it will deal solely with the subject of masturbation... maybe.

Until then, au revoir... I think that's goodbye in French, It might be.

Happy-Happy March-March (and some other thoughts)

I realized I hadn't posted in over a week and was feeling a bit guilty so here I am. I've been caught somewhere in between busy and not as of late. To update, March is the month of my birth which is a good thing because, you know, I'll get stuff... Other than that, it's also about a week until spring break.

I'm excited because, as usual, I'm heading down to Myrtle Beach to visit my boy Vic. It's always an awesome rowdy time and typically concludes with a massive hangover and a confusing disoriented adventure in a major metropolitan airport. Money is a little tight, so I think I'm going to tell Vic that strip clubs are off limits pour moi. The goal is always to dedicate about 80-percent of my travel budget towards items consumable by straw.

In other news--and it's absolutely necessary this is mentioned--I think I've found a new favorite movie. Thursday night Mal, Patty, and I went to see Pan's Labyrinth; this may very well be the best movie ever made. I was considering posting a review on here but don't want to risk ruining it for anyone. I could not however "over hype" this movie; it's simply too good to be "over hyped." Do yourself a favor. If the movie is playing somewhere near you, go see it. It is in Spanish and has subtitles, but the plot is so incredible that you'll feel as though you understand everything the characters say within fifteen minutes or so.

For anyone that doesn't know, Shamrock won "The White Rapper Show." I was initially happy, but on closer examination, John Brown was in fact better--even thought that's not his real name. I figure Shamrock isn't a birth name either, so we'll have to allow it. Whatever, I'm sure I won't be purchasing either's album any time soon.

The K'nicks lost Jamal Crawford for the season. Fortunately, according to Isiah, he'll be back by the second round. This is a major blow to our playoff chances, but there is hope as another Knick's guard is poised to re-earn the nickname "Stevie Franchise." Maybe he and "Starbury" can play together after all. Numbers 1 and 3, respectively, combined for 64 points, 12 dimes, 11 boards, and 8 steals on Saturday versus Atlanta (okay, I know it's the Hawks but still). The most impressive stat: they also combined for only three turnovers. Also deserving of a shout out--NALDO!!! There's hope in Knickland.

Methinks tis it for now. Please don't use this blog for evil...

Celebreality? Why?

Lately, I've been giving some thought to why our culture is so obsessed with celebrities. And not even for-real legitimate celebrities, reality television has created a sort of quasi-celebrity, characters that people become fascinated with, but who aren't special in any way other than that they sent an audition tape to the casting director of a reality television program.

Last summer, I was visiting a friend in Buffalo and we couldn't get in to her favorite bar because it had reached capacity. We asked the bouncer why so many people were there and he told us that Landon from "The Real World" was in the bar. You all remember Landon, right? He was a pretty regular guy, kinda short, muscular, not much of a personality, got a lot of camera time for basically acting like a huge douchebag. He's touring the country, collecting fees from bars that in return draw extra patrons who want to get drunk with Landon and see if he's really as much of a douche in person as he is on television. There was a flyer outside of the bar; Book Landon from MTV's "The Real World" for your next event, it read. I was shocked, but I'm not really sure why.

People are obsessed with these reality tv stars. I'm not trying to contest the inherent idiocy of our society and claim that I'm above it; I too am privy to many of these shows. In particular, I can't miss an episode of VH1's "I Love NY" or "The White Rapper Show;" I'm not sure what attracts me to these shows. I can't really even decide whether the show's characters are really bad actors, or if there are actually people that crazy in the world. Whatever the answer, I find the shows entertaining.

What got me thinking about this was something that happened a few days ago. My roommate Ray and I went snowboarding with our friend Mallory, and she told us how one of the guys living in her house knows one of the contestants recently eliminated from "The White Rapper Show," Sully. Ray and I both were instantly fascinated with the idea of possibly speaking to Sully. And then, it hit me; Sully's not exceptional in any way. He's just some random guy from Boston that happened to land on a television show. He's kind of an alcoholic and has a very moderate musical talent. Why should I be excited to talk to him? If anything, he should be excited to talk to me.

I can't really resolve this; maybe I'm mad at the culture that has formed me... or maybe I'm just disappointed because I'd rather meet John Brown than Sully (he seems much more interesting). Anyways, let me know what you think.

Hallelujah Holla Back!

Please Fall Down a Flight of Stairs

Right now I feel the need to speak from my heart, and these thoughts are kinda sad, but mostly, very true. There's some people that I really wish would fall down a large flight of stairs. This is mean, I guess, but it'd really be convenient for me. I can think of at least three people who could fall down flights of stairs and it wouldn't even bother me a little.

Person A is a huge douchebag. He's the kind of person that would spill his drink on you at the bar and not even apologize. Person B is an acquaintance from a long time ago. I don't know why I thought of her, but she repulses me. About three years ago she put my dick in her mouth for like a second, but then decided she didn't want to give me head. I think we all can agree this is an inherently evil thing to do. Person C, well I don't actually even know Person C and he's fucking up my life nonetheless. Go figure.

If you happen to see a person that fits any of the above three descriptions, and you also happen to be approaching a staircase when you spot them, do me a favor, give them a nice healthy shove. You'd be doing the world a favor, and me an especially large favor. If you've ever had your dick in a girl's mouth and didn't shortly thereafter experience an orgasm, you know how I feel.

If you happen to push someone down a flight of stairs and then realize you didn't get the right person, that's on you. However, my guess would be that if they fit a description I've laid out above, they probably deserved the fall as it is.

I'm feeling spiteful, angry, and bitter... and this is not my usual tone. If you're a first time reader, I apologize.

As for the rest of you, you're a bunch of god-damn ingrates.