Dreams

Stories come to me in my dreams. I'm not sure if I can articulate them into stories that are actually enjoyable to read, but I'm sure they're good stories. They scare me, sometimes. I don't know if it is some sort of a sign or what, but I know that it feels like a waste when I do not write them down.

A few days ago, I tried my best to recalculate a story I'd dreamt the night before. I tried to remember all the key points in the plot. I should have written the story down immediately, but I am not a morning person. I've heard of keeping a dream-journal. I'm guessing this would be the next step. Ahh...ambition. Something lost on me and my generation.

What I remember.

I'm at a gas station or corner store, something small town-ish. I've never been there before, but there's a vague feeling of familiarity. For whatever reason, I know the people who work at and/or are occupying the store. I would want to protect them if something bad were to happen.

Sidenote: I don't remember who was actually in the place. Typically the characters in my dreams are an odd mix of people I know, people I used to know, people I've seen but never spoken to, or people who are on TV or in movies. For instance, I might be singing in an acapella group with my friend Ray, a kid I played football with in HS but haven't spoken to since, some dude whose girlfriend I thought was hot at a bar, and Jerry Seinfeld. Weird, right?

I buy something and start to walk out of the place. There's a guy in the parking lot, and as he gets out of his car, he tucks a gun into his jacket. He doesn't want anyone to see this and doesn't notice that I'm watching. I instantly know that he and the man with him are going to rob the store. I have no clue what I should do about this.

I walk back into the store and warn everyone. (They're my friends--I don't know why I know this, but I know they're my friends.) Everyone seems as clueless as me. Soon, two men are in the store with guns blazing, and there I am with my hands behind my head begging for my life.

At this point, my memory becomes a bit hazy--I can't remember all of the significant plot points. I know there was more to this story, and I know I should have written it down as soon as I woke up. I think one of the men wants more than just money...or more money than the clerk has. I can't remember everything, but I know one key aspect was me having a gun in my face and freaking out. I know that my thoughts were centered on not being able to die because of my lack of faith. I think I begged for my life on these terms. I know this was the scariest part of the dream for me. "I can't die; I don't know what will happen if I die. Someone has to come to grips with their faith before they can die. You can't kill me. it wouldn't be fair. I don't know if I believe in God." Imagine that, begging for your life because you're not ready for what comes next. Not, "It's not my time! It's not my time!" but, "I'm afraid time stops. I'm not ready for time to stop." It's too logical as ways to beg for your life go.

I wake up. Or to be more accurate, I've been partially awake for some time now, but I finally give up the dream. I let it go. My dreams are sort of cinematic, and the really good ones I gain control over at some point in time. They start out as vivid and uncontrollable as I imagine anyone's dreams are, but when they get really exciting, when they get to the point where I know it's a great story and that I'm the protagonist, I can no longer handle them fully unconscious. I'm not awake, necessarily, I'm just somewhere in between awake and asleep. I gain control as time goes on. I open my eyes, check the time maybe, I decide I want to get back into it. It's like the end of a good movie, you don't want to stop watching. I close my eyes, will myself back into the dream.

But, there comes a point where I have too much control over the dream. When I get to that point, it's impossible to see it through to the end. I want someone else's ending, something cinematically beautiful, something I can just watch without control. It doesn't happen, not once I have control.

At this point, I'm hesitantly fully awake. This is when I recount the important plot lines. This is when I should have written this down. This is when I think about possible endings and what it all meant. I think about doing something heroic and gaining control of the situation. Stealing the gun from the man who I'd just been begging for my life and turning it on him. I think about bargaining, telling the gunmen where the storekeepers keep the really big money and begging to join forces with them for later robberies. I know where the money is because I'm friends with the clerk. I've realized that there's too much uncertainty in my life to live it in a boring way, anymore. What with my near-death experience. I think "bang!" and it's all over. It could end in so many different ways. Why can't it just end? How come it never ends? In the end, I think about what it all means. Some message from my subconscious about my god-complex? A sign that I need to write this all down? If I do, will the answers come? Can I have a dream that ends?

If I do, will I survive it?