An Emo Poem

My dick has been in your mouth!

You have an imaginary friend!

My dick has been in your mouth!

You have an imaginary friend!

I'm fairly certain at one point my balls were in your mouth too!

You have an imaginary friend!

This was after I went to the gym and didn't wash my balls before you came over to cheat on your boyfriend!

And they were most likely, probably, I'm really willing to bet in your mouth, too! (My balls!)

My dick was in your mouth!

I bet it was salty!

Because I didn't wash that either before you came over to cheat on your boyfriend because you needed one last fling before getting engaged and then married and you really wanted someone else's dick and balls in your mouth even though you claim to be a proud and honest Christian when we all know that's a big hypocrisy and you're just a cock-munching whore who uses religion as a crutch that somehow allows you to pass judgement on other people rather than walk upright because you had a broken leg or something like that!

My dick has been in your mouth!

You have an imaginary friend!

Named Jesus!

(and I still love you because it was the best head I ever had, ever!)

Mustache Game: A Failure

So I tried online dating. Don't judge me! It's actually created some funny stuff, I think. Pasted below is a anonymous profile and then my response to it. I think it's pretty funny. 

RandomChick34:

EXTREMELY adorable, attractive, kind, alive, most optimistic, constantly laughing, seeing the brightest colours, hearing the loudest sounds, cute, little MONSTER looking for THE strongest, smartest, funniest, most generous, most masculine MAN ever existing on the EARTH!!!

Eye colour: depends on the mood.
Hair colour: depends on the outfit.
Height: 5'3-6'8 (depends on the shoes).
Weight:128-154 (depends on the amount of eaten food).
I like in men : kindness (angry man is a public enemy), brain (I can see it), the colour of the eyes, skin, hair and its length - not important. Bald men I like either.
Global plans about peace restoration in the entire world; releasing the earth from the pollution and ozone holes; getting Grammy, Oscar, Emmy, and also Nobel prize for creating a vaccine for hamsters with astigmatism - in plenty!!!

Interests: Life, Love, Laugh!!!

My e-mail to RandomChick34:

My 100% Man Resume: Strongest: I singlehandedly have pulled a palm tree out of a mall parking lot and planted it in my grandparents back yard. I did this with one hand, and I wasn't even properly hydrated at the time. Smartest: I won Jeopardy for 3 straight months, accumulating a record 111.23 million dollars! At this point, I became bored and kicked Alex Trebeck off of his own show and now host Jeopardy myself via satellite. Funniest: Honestly, are you not laughing your ass off right now? Generous: See Strongest section. I have also donated many mall-parking lot palm trees to various charitable organizations. Masculine: I started growing chest hair when I was 3 years old, and it wasn't the result of eating horse radish! Also, my tears cure cancer. Unfortunately, I've never cried. That last one has been widely attributed to Chuck Norris, but upon my not-so-nice request he's currently going door to door in his neighborhood telling everyone there that they live near a convicted plagiarist. Other: For you, I created the vaccine for hamsters with astigmatism while in between the keystrokes for 0 and % of my first line. The Nobel Prize will be awarded to me tomorrow morning.

Who Wants a Mustache Ride?

To anyone whom it may concern, anyone at all, I now have a mustache. I will be sporting this look for at least a month as it is requisite for the play I'm currently starring in (err...supporting in).

From here on out, I will be experimenting with the pick-up line, "who wants a mustache ride?" I think this will officially be the only opening line I use with women. Period. I'll try to report back with my results. I can't imagine it will hurt my game too too much. In the sense that I imagine most women will not find me particularly attractive with a mustache anyway. I mean it's fuckin' 2009 for Christs' sake!

Since I haven't been out yet, here's a hypothetical:

Newly-stached Jim: Hey pretty lady, could I interest you in a mustache ride?

Likely-mediocre chica: Excuse me?

Newly-stached Jim: A mustache ride. Want one?

Likely-mediocre chica: Well, I'm not sure ... how does that work?

Newly-stached Jim: Ya know, I haven't quite figured out the logistics, but I'm guessing I'd lay down, you'd sit on my face, and we'd just go from there.

Likely-mediocre chica: That does sound kind of fun.

Newly-stached Jim: Oh, it would be!

Likely-mediocre chica: Let's get out of here and go to my place.

Newly-stached Jim: Whoo-rahh!!!

Like that little kid JP from Angels in the Outfield always said, "It could happen." He was wise beyond his years; I bet he has a mustache too...