Mustache Game: A Failure

So I tried online dating. Don't judge me! It's actually created some funny stuff, I think. Pasted below is a anonymous profile and then my response to it. I think it's pretty funny. 

RandomChick34:

EXTREMELY adorable, attractive, kind, alive, most optimistic, constantly laughing, seeing the brightest colours, hearing the loudest sounds, cute, little MONSTER looking for THE strongest, smartest, funniest, most generous, most masculine MAN ever existing on the EARTH!!!

Eye colour: depends on the mood.
Hair colour: depends on the outfit.
Height: 5'3-6'8 (depends on the shoes).
Weight:128-154 (depends on the amount of eaten food).
I like in men : kindness (angry man is a public enemy), brain (I can see it), the colour of the eyes, skin, hair and its length - not important. Bald men I like either.
Global plans about peace restoration in the entire world; releasing the earth from the pollution and ozone holes; getting Grammy, Oscar, Emmy, and also Nobel prize for creating a vaccine for hamsters with astigmatism - in plenty!!!

Interests: Life, Love, Laugh!!!

My e-mail to RandomChick34:

My 100% Man Resume: Strongest: I singlehandedly have pulled a palm tree out of a mall parking lot and planted it in my grandparents back yard. I did this with one hand, and I wasn't even properly hydrated at the time. Smartest: I won Jeopardy for 3 straight months, accumulating a record 111.23 million dollars! At this point, I became bored and kicked Alex Trebeck off of his own show and now host Jeopardy myself via satellite. Funniest: Honestly, are you not laughing your ass off right now? Generous: See Strongest section. I have also donated many mall-parking lot palm trees to various charitable organizations. Masculine: I started growing chest hair when I was 3 years old, and it wasn't the result of eating horse radish! Also, my tears cure cancer. Unfortunately, I've never cried. That last one has been widely attributed to Chuck Norris, but upon my not-so-nice request he's currently going door to door in his neighborhood telling everyone there that they live near a convicted plagiarist. Other: For you, I created the vaccine for hamsters with astigmatism while in between the keystrokes for 0 and % of my first line. The Nobel Prize will be awarded to me tomorrow morning.