The Tard Spelling Bee

Today, we had a spelling bee. To begin with, I was disappointed in my honors class, as they didn't spell quite as well as I would have predicted. I think I assume they're smarter than they really are. However, although it only took me six or seven rounds to crown a champion in my honors class, I wouldn't say they spell hilariously bad. My honors kids spell, correction, "poorly." (Just forget I teach English, Angglishhh!!!) My "regular" kids on the other hand, they spell hilariously bad (poorly).

"Eileen, your word is 'retreat."

"Hmmm...R-E-T..."

I'm really, very optimistic at this point, "Remember sweetie, you need to say the word out loud first, then spell the word, then say the word out loud again."

"Huh, ohh...okay. Retreat, R-E-T-T-A-C-R-E-A-T, Retreat," she's beaming nonetheless.

I have no idea how one could spell such a simple word so wrong. Or maybe I could see it, but just the fact that she had the correct spelling but inexplicably placed three extra letters in the middle of the word. It was tough to take. In fairness, she may be dyslexic. Lord, I hope so.

Next contestant:

"Aurora, your word is 'cloak."

"Oh my god, what in the world does that mean, Mr. Jim? I've never heard that word before in my life. I'm going to need a definition."

"A cloak is a piece of clothing typically worn over the shoulders. Would you like to hear the word in a sentence?"

"Yes."

"When I visit your mother at the strip club, I cloak my penis before things get too serious." I didn't really say this, but you could imagine. Needless to say, Aurora was incapable of spelling cloak. This is pretty much how the class went. At one point I just started picking words I knew would fuck with them.

"Jimmy, your word is gnome."

"Gnome, N-O-M-E, Gnome."

"Actually, the word begins with a G."

"A G, A mother-fucking G! Mr. Jim, you did not say guhh-nome, you said nome, N-O-M-E, mother-fucking nome."