Tard Blog App.

ATTN: Rudius moderator

I’m a big fan of the Tard Blog. It’s unfortunate Riti no longer writes. Anyways, I’m a special-ed teacher and wanted to fill out the application, but it doesn’t work anymore. Since the Blog hasn’t been published to in such a long time, I’m assuming you gave up this cause. A friend of mine and I both would like to fill out an application, and I believe she’s already contacted someone within your organization, as we recently had the following conversation:

My friend: ps, i just sent them a message.
My friend: you should do it too.
Me: a rudius moderator?
Me: what'd you say?
Me: i'd like to author the tard Blog.
Me: because i teach tards.
Me: and they're funny little fuckers.
My friend: oh my god.
My friend: oh my god.
My friend: i just realized why it's called tard.
My friend: and i'm horrified.
My friend: oh my god!
Me: you missed that?
My friend: completely. that probably makes me a tard myself.
Me: yea, i think you might be one.
My friend: i'm surprised you're just realizing that.
My friend: and you should be aware this is why i'm good at my job... i relate to my kids a little too well.

Readers Digest Again, OH NO!

You can probably guess how I came across this little tidbit, a submission by one of Readers Digest's, no doubt, faithful readers:

If Only we Lived in a Sitcom World!

Ray Romano's wife once complained to Rolling Stone Magazine that her husband spoke to his TV wife more in one episode than he spoke to her in one week at home.

"Well, we have writers on the show," explained Romano. "If we had writers here, we'd be having long, funny conversations."

The thing about this quote that I find hilarious, is that it's endlessly applicable to my daily life. You see, I have this, I don't know what you'd call it, I have this condition, I guess. I always envision my own life as though it was a sitcom. Every decision I make, I ask myself, "Is this worthy of a clap-track? Would what I'm saying at this exact moment bring my studio audience to its feet?"

The problem is that real-life rarely should be at all like a sit-com. Still, I wish it was. For instance, the other day in class, I demonstrated a simile for my students: "Honeys play me close like butter plays toast." No doubt, this was sitcom-worthy material; however, it proved to me unproductive in a realworld enviroment. It took me almost 10 minutes to get my class back under control. Of course, I was flattered that they bit on my punchline. And, maybe, they gained a slightly greater understanding of similes, but ultimately, I lost 10 minutes of instruction time. Time I'll never get back.

Spell Czech

While taking a shit on Tuesday, I found myself to be a bit short of reading materials. I began an ancillary search of the areas immediately surrounding my commode and came across a rather large stack of Reader’s Digest magazines. Although I’ve never been a huge fan of Reader’s Digest, reading is reading—fundamental—and when you’re in a position such as the one I was, you take what you can get. I didn’t find a wealth of great articles, but I came across a poem I really enjoyed:

“Spell Czech”

Eye halve a spelling chequer. It came with my pea sea.
It plainly marques four my revue miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word and weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write. It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid, it nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite. Its rarely ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it, I am shore your please two no.
Its letter perfect in it’s weigh. My chequer tolled me sew.

Sauce Unknown

In addition to forewarning about the dangers of being too reliant on spell-check, I think the poem has an excellent voice. When I read it to myself, I can’t help but find my mind’s eye reciting each word sounding like a computer: “I talkk like thiis.” Anywho, kudos to the sauce, however unknown you choose to remain.

Ahh...the Woodchuck

This week and next week I’m participating in a training course at my school. CRISS Training. I don't remember what the acronym means, and I'm too lazy to look it up. Tonight we worked on KWL charts. A KWL chart is essentially a graphic organizer to aid students' learning. The K part of the chart is where a student lists what he knows already, or thinks he knows already, about the material that will be covered. The purpose is to bring out students’ background knowledge, as this is helpful in furthering their learning, according to CRISS philosophies. Obviously, this section is filled in before the material is covered. The second section of the chart, W, is also filled in before the material is covered. In this section students write what they want to learn about the material that will be covered. The final section of the KWL chart is where a student fills in what he actually learned. This is the only section that’s filled in after the material is covered.

Since we’re in training we modeled one of these charts in class tonight. We were told that we’d be reading a two-page scientific article about woodchucks. The reason I’m posting my model isn’t so much because I’m interested in spreading this fascinating educational technique, but more so because I think my model is hilarious. Yes, I have an ego.

“The Woodchuck” KWL Chart:

What I knew, or thought I knew, about woodchucks:

• They’re mammals
• They’re the subject of a popular tongue-twister
(That’s it)

What I wanted to learn about woodchucks:

• Can a woodchuck actually chuck wood?
• If so, how much wood can a woodchuck chuck?
• If a woodchuck can’t chuck wood, what does it actually do?
• If a woodchuck can’t chuck wood, why the hell is it called a woodchuck?
• If a man were to engage in hand-to-hand combat with a woodchuck, who would likely be the victor?

What I learned about woodchucks:

• Is the largest member of the squirrel family
• Has sharp teeth
• Synonymous with Groundhog
• Herbivores
• Hibernate in winter
• Breed after emerging from hibernation

Although I did actually learn a few more things than those which are listed above, I don’t feel the need to drag on any further. What I do feel the need to do, is bemoan my disappointment in the things I wanted to learn about woodchucks, but in which I was unable. I found it very interesting that woodchucks and groundhogs are actually the same thing. So, not only are woodchucks the subject of a popular tongue-twister, but they’re also the subject of a, I don’t know, quasi-holiday. However, this doesn’t answer the question of whether or not a woodchuck actually chucks wood, nor any of the questions that go along with woodchucking or not woodchucking. And the hand-to-hand combat quandary, I still can’t find and answer to, try as I may.

After our KWL, we modeled another CRISS strategy, a writing template. The template went as follows:

One of the most (adjective) things about the Woodchuck’s (something you learned) is that…This is interesting because…

This model is where I had the chance to really shine. This was a spectacular activity because I was able to articulate something about the woodchuck that did really interest me. My response:

One of the most super-dooper things about the woodchuck’s breeding habits is that it breeds immediately after hibernation. Woodchucks sleep for two months then get busy as soon as they wake up. Woodchucks know what is up. Could there possibly be anything better than wakeup sex after a winter-long slumber? I think this is a spectacular way to build endorphins before having to face the world again for yet another 10 months of consciousness. Probably, the whole shadow-thing is a myth perpetuated by the woodchucks in order to avoid facing the world. In reality, woodchucks can see their shadows at all times, but sometimes they retreat back to their holes to continue with getting busy. After all, who would want to chuck wood, or not chuck wood, if they could be boning instead?

My Post are Slammin

This week's sign that the Apocalypse is upon us:

I walk into the boy's bathroom at my school to yell at them to stop horsing around, take their respective pisses, and leave. Two brilliant works of calligraphy, written in bright green marker, are on the walls.

The first work of art says, "Bitches." The message is brief, but it's tactful in its simplicity, and it does a relatively effective job of expressing its intended message. I'm almost pleased.

The second message, "School are for Pussys," leaves me slightly disheartened. It's apparent that I've much work to do.

Indeed, school is for pussies...

And He'll Probably do it Again too

In other news:

A Panda Bear eats, chutes, and leaves.

These grammarians are not so bright as they seem...

Put that in your chute and smoke it.

Vengeance!

To Set Things Straight

Some things you should know about James:

He doesn't say intimidating things ala Christopher Walken, but he does do the intimidating things that Christopher Walken would say. You will not be told that "your tone is all wrong." He won't say, "Your talkin to my guy all wrong. You do it again, and I'll stab you in the face with a soldering iron." James isn't much for conversation.

However, if you do make the mistake of using the wrong tone with James' guy, then, you may very well be stabbed in the face with a soldering iron. There's witnesses to this very occurrence. Witnesses who swear they couldn't believe that liquefied metal could plunge daringly through a man's left cheek and out his right with such grace. This happened twice just last May. Neither time were words exchanged.

James likes to make a point, going as far as to say that he'd do two or three years in Riker's to achieve that end.

And as such, if he feels a point needs to be made, he'll come right through this computer screen and make one. Don't say you haven't been warned. Chuck Norris has nothing on me.